Happy is (should be) the new black. Why?
The best/worst weapon in human relationship, in my measly two cents, isn't knowing what makes people "tick" but understanding what makes people ecstatic, excited, and happy. I found it far more difficult to get to know about people - but certainly can provide much bigger impact and benefit when such knowledge can be gained and used properly. For example, I am a hopeless romantic - but I hide it. I like the flowers, notes, sappy things, the whole nine. I have told myself that fluffy bunny giddy stuff must be avoided for years. Being happy meant a state of mind that allowed very little self-control, and I was afraid of feeling vulnerable, not to mention it went against an "Iron Woman" image I was trying to build for myself. So in my younger years I dressed in black and made sure I looked like I didn't give a shit about anything. In later years I acted the same, just without the goth clothing. I continue to make decisions to reduce my chances of being happily vulnerable. I have purposely killed my chances of being happy for years - but always wondered why I couldn't be. Being miserable, I guess, was a cool thing to do; so important that it needed to be done at all cost. Insanity much?
Happy vulnerability - I ask myself, is there a such thing? Being emotional means being vulnerable - we allow others to make us feel a certain way and react to it - it just happens. Happy or sad or angry - we become vulnerable to those emotions and what it may cause us to do. With that, being emotional often means something negative to many - i.e. a sign of weakness. To top it off, we often are trained to feel bad about sharing how we feel, yet we can be so quick to tell others what we dislike - all because... we shouldn't be selfish and best defense is offense? That's being polite? What? I never understood why we are so comfortable breeding misery. So here I sat and thought. For starters, sources of one's happiness are often subject to judgement. We treat them like a preference - e.g. "you like flowers? You don't look like the type" or "you shouldn't work for money - you have the rest of your life to do that". And misery does seem to love company as it spreads like wild fire - anger and sadness keep others at bay and we know we can easily control others with fear and uncertainties. So we purposely walk into a room with a frown on our faces so others would leave us alone yet we can easily become a center of attention. Or we often use anger to bring people together. Hell, sometimes we call that a charisma. Happiness works the same way; it's very contagious. Strangely enough, I don't hear "happiness loves company" as often if at all. Life isn't perfect. People are not and will never be perfect. Misery justifies all that are wrong and messy, all in illusion. So here we are - breeding misery. Again, insanity much?
In work, personal, family or whatever relationship - allowing people to be happily vulnerable should be a priority. I have done just the opposite. For many years I have frowned upon or felt uncomfortable saying, "This is what makes me happy/content". I feared these remarks will be viewed as negative and self-centered by others; I'm speculating of course as I admit I actually have not said those words out loud for all reasons stated above. It just seems like the right to expose happy vulnerability must be earned as if it's a luxury. We should be close to someone enough to expose such. We should know each other enough to trust that you won't judge me. Now I'm thinking, can't we say the same about the opposite? Shouldn't we learn about each other first, work to gain trust, and earn the right to communicate what makes us tick to be asking others to refrain, restrain, and/or change their behaviors? But what I am used to seeing over the years is actually the other way around. For example, what I always asked to my former bosses has been, "what are your pet peeves?". I always thought I was doing the right thing by being straight forward and setting upfront expectations with my bosses. I felt like a bad ass, strong soul.
WRONG.
I work hard to seek approval, prove my existence to be worthy by doing what I THINK would make others or company happy. But my question only addresses how not to fail, bottom line, bare minimum. I won't accept failure - so it must mean success. Or does it?
I look back at my career, friendships, and relationships of the past, and I realize I may have gained some respect for "working hard" but little loyalty, warmth, or happiness from those around me. I didn't start being cared for by others or feel fulfilled until I started communicating and caring what makes me and others happy. Random acts of kindness, smiles, and signs of happiness are what saved me from drowning in dark, uncertain times. Yet I have been quick to embrace misery and asked unhappy questions to others so I would find comfort, a security blanket knowing I'm not doing something wrong. What did it really do? It brewed agony, anxiety, and unhappiness for myself and others. I didn't want to show that I was capable of being happily vulnerable. I didn't ask if others were capable of the same or how. Instead, I focused on misery hoping to work backwards. Well, if A is B, B isn't always going to be A; if she is not unhappy, it doesn't mean she is happy. I've been begging the question all along and living in logically fallacious life. I can almost hear Aristotle sighing heavily in his grave. Please forgive me for I have forsaken thee...
I wish others care about what makes me happy, not trying to please me by doing what doesn't piss me off. I wish others don't have to guess what I would be pleased to see/hear. I wish my existence brings happiness to others.
So why not ask? What am I afraid of? What is so wrong with asking "what makes you happy?" and "what can I do better to help you get there?" to those around us and to ourselves - and act on it? I know it will yield powerful results if we asked and focused on that instead. If causing unhappiness means charisma, bury me in the background, nowhere to be found. Being happy is and should be cool, even for this once-iron-woman-wannabe. I strive to bring happy vulnerability to all whose lives I touch, and it all starts with me subjecting myself to the same. So judge me for I am happy. Feel jealous; be happy with me. Beat me in my own game; be happier.
Happy is in, fcuk the misery; let's make happy the new black.
Hopelessly hungry for more. It's a good thing.
HA.
